Boys. I think we’ve had a major miscommunication, and it is officially time to set you straight…
Yes, I know it’s October. And yes, I’m completely aware of what holiday is coming up. And YES, I’m also completely aware of why you absolutely, without a doubt, but with all your heart (or dirty mind), ADORE this particular holiday. This love is due to the fact that girls dress, to put it blatantly, like flat-out prostitutes on this spooky holiday. But I have bad news…
WARNING: May crush dreams (even wet ones). Continue reading with extreme caution.
Okay, boys. Here goes nothing. We are NOT dressing slutty for you and the chances of you getting some action are slim to none. There. I said it. Now cry. Go ahead. I won’t judge you. I know it’s hard. But anyway…
Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls once said, “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” Now you may think this is supportive of the male side of the argument, but with deeper analysis you realize the word boy/man/guy/hottie is not included at all. We’re honestly just not worried about what you think.
Here is my dream crushing reason for why we dress like sluts on Halloween:
We’re just trying to out-do EACH OTHER
Most girls won’t admit it, but Halloween is all about competition—who can dress the sluttiest and get the most attention? It’s all about having the shortest shorts, the holiest fishnets (HA!), the most cleavage, and the most sultry hair and make-up. Now while boys cannot fully comprehend the amount of work that went in to my Sexy Eve Costume, that girl who made out with my ex-boyfriend whom I dated three years ago definitely will when that hot guy dressed like Brad Pitt from Fight Club makes me the object of his lust on All Hallows Eve. But remember, I don’t want to sleep with that hot guy dressed like Brad Pitt from Fight Club… I just want him to look at me. (Unless, of course, he looks like THIS.)
Now I know exactly what you’re thinking: “Eff this hoe. I’m gettin’ laid on Halloween. Those chicks are definitely puttin’ out.” But before you go on self-aggrandizing, let me offer you a few more points as to why Slutober is not that great:
1. This girl is half-naked. Imagine how much she’s going to annoyingly, drunkenly complain about the cold and/or her heels the whole way back to your place. Then if you do happen to get lucky, you’re going to have to give her you favorite t-shirt, sweatpants, and hoodie to walk home in tomorrow.
2. Do you really think the sexy Queen of Hearts is going to want to leave the not-so sexy Alice in Wonderland she came with? This would be a problem. I’m doubtful that any of your “boys” are going to want to wing-man when there’s still three sexy referees around.
3. What if she winds up really not being all that hot? A monet. Enough said.
Now I understand this may have come across a little harsh. But boys, I really just have your best interests at heart. I don’t want to see you set your sexpectations too high—or too low, for that matter. So, just have fun! What happens… happens. Hey, at least you get to come up with a creative costume; unlike girls who will inevitably match three other girls that night.
Think I’m wrong? Needs some tips on becoming Brad Pitt from Fight Club? Please leave all harsh counter-arguments below. I wanna know! (I think.)
Photo courtesy of Sexy Girl Dress & Costume.
October 13th, 2008 at 10:54 am
HAHAHA! This is all SO TRUE!
October 13th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Leave the trollops alone. They are likely the carriers of one or more transmittable diseases anyway.
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:12 pm
I have to disagree–there’s definitely a tipping point on slutiness of costume…and if you happen to reach it, you’re a swamp donkey.