As much as I hate Christmas, I love it just the same. The snow, the decorations, the food. And just when I think my Ebenezer ways are long gone and my heart grows to three times its normal size, Hollywood side swipes my Christmas spirit with an awful film. Why, Hollywood, Why?! As though I don’t have enough stress. Are you feeling neglected during the Holiday Season and willing to do anything to pull the focus back on you- no matter how terrible?
Think of the worst gift you ever received. I bet it doesn’t top these Hollywood ‘you shouldn’t haves’:
The Worst Christmas Movies:
1. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000). Damn remakes. A classic cartoon utterly ruined by Ace Ventura-like antics. It was as bad as the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory remake with Johnny Depp- too much acid, not enough tradition. The only good thing was the narrator: Anthony Hopkins. But even he can’t beat the 1966 melodic sounds of Boris Karloff, who was both narrator AND the grinch!
2. Jingle All The Way (1996). Oh yeah. Nothing screams Christmas like ‘Da Guhvanah’ running around town looking for a doll. The Terminator is now Turbo Man? I mean, when you said you’d ‘be back’ I didn’t think it would be as an action figure… or a governor for that matter.
3. Jack Frost (1998). Batman! You’re a snowman now? What the hell happened? So you died in a car crash, and your son builds Frosty in your memory and you magically take over its snowy physique? Well, I guess the magical part suits the holidays.
4. Home Alone 3 (1997). Kevin McCallister, your successor has ruined your legacy. His scratchy little voice can’t compare to your infamous words of wisdom: “Buzz, your girlfriend- woof!” And Harry and Marv getting shown up by a bunch of thieves looking for a micro-chip? Not a chance.
5. Black Christmas (2006). I’m not much of a Christian, but JESUS! I mean… err… that’s what this holiday is all about! You have balls the size of Texas if you release a slasher movie on Christmas Day, set on Christmas Eve, at a SORORITY house where a maniac is killing off sisters. Shame on you! Oh, did I mention it’s another remake?
What do you think? Is Hollywood slackin’ with the Holiday films?
Have one you just can’t bare to watch?
Let me know!
photos thanks to:
www.platypuscomix.net tequilamatador.blogspot.com
www.imdb.com kids.yahoo.com & dvd.easycinema.com
December 1st, 2008 at 11:44 am
Ouch. We totally agree with your list. Perhaps as an antidote watch Bad Santa, thats a real weird one.