Remember high school? Now remember Tiffany? You know- The one everyone talked about? She slept with Tony, Tom, Timmy, and Todd. Not to mention Taylor. Oh, and there was that one time she experimented with Tanya. Can’t forget about that. Now remember Chris? That star athlete, straight A student? The one who slept with Christine, Carly, Casey, Caren, Colleen, and so on? The virginator, I think, was his nickname. Now I ask… What was the difference between Tiffany and Chris? Well, duh! Tiffany was a slut and Chris was just plain cool. DOUBLE STANDARD BULLSHIT.
After graduation we said our goodbyes and moved onto something bigger and better—COLLEGE. Tiffany probably thought college would be a time for sexual liberation. She would be free. No one would judge her anymore. College students don’t judge each other based on sexual escapades. College is beyond that. WRONGO! While college may be a cesspool of horny young adults ready to try anything and everything with their genitalia, I can assure you we still judge. AND I can also assure you the double standard still exists—maybe even more. So, ladies, what do you do? The solution is quite simple: DON’T SEX AND TELL.
If you want to get yours and not be called a whore you’ve gotta be sneaky. Here’s some tips:
KEEP IT RANDOM
The less you know someone the less they’ll know someone to tell someone who knows someone who knows you who knows someone who will call you a slut. Yikes. But remember:
1. Unless you’ve made a pre-fornication secrecy pact steer clear of close friends. It could get awkward. If it’s a mutual “friends with benefits” situation, well, uh… Good luck.
2. Steer clear of friends of friends too. You know your friend will make fun of you if you bump uglies with his friend. (Friends of friends of friends are totally free game though!)
3. Avoid someone who lives in close proximity to you. AKA on your dorm floor. You’ll have to see them every single day.
4. Avoid sleeping with twins, brothers, best friends, etc. Although commendable, not going to keep you on the down low. (Secret air five if you have!)
SHHHH… IT’S A SECRET
Yes, I know you wanna tell all your girls about that hot soccer player with the 839,247 abs and huge <insert inappropriate noun here> you slept with last night, but if you don’t want people to think you’re a hoe you can’t spill. Don’t tell one or two, the ones you trust or the ones without HUGE mouths. Just because all your “biatches” don’t know doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. <insert devilish triumphant smile>
DON’T DO THE WALK OF SHAME
If you know you want to get down and dirty bring a big purse out that night. Pack a t-shirt/hoodie, comfortable shoes, make up, and a hair tie. When you’re walking home from your hook-up’s place and you run into someone you know, you can tell them how you woke up bright and early and are going on a walk to grab your lazy, hungover roommates some breakfast. How nice!
There it is, ladies. The guide to being a closet slut. Oh, one more thing:
DISCLAIMER
Ladies, if you didn’t already know… You’re kind of emotional. I might go as far as to say downright annoying and clingy. And while the closet slut bit may work for a select few— lets be honest- it leaves most girls plunging down the route of insecurity. And ya know, stalking is illegal in all 50 states. So, um, copulate at your own risk.
Tired of the double standard? Think being a closet slut is just giving in? Want to be one? Well, I wanna know! So comment!
Photo courtesy of oregonlive.com
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