We are in the heart of Fall, my friends. But sooner than you can blink, the weather won’t be so brisk, soon it will be utterly brutal. Right about now people start getting fuzzy, either because of the weather, or the upcoming seasonal events. Along with these cheerful events of food, family and friendly fun, I can’t help but entertain other thoughts: evil ones.
The following is a rant, a vent session, an outright exploitation of the vile elements that seek to destroy my happiness in the upcoming seasons. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to erase them.
These are my 5 Worst Enemies of the Holiday Season:
1. Dry Skin. Ugggh! So insufferable. You moisturize, and treat and caress, and STILL that bitter winter wind gets to you. It effortlessly finds its way into your pores and before you know it, you have dandruff everywhere BUT your head and oh, your lips? Forget about that shiny summer gloss. Carmex, Blistex and Burt are your new circle of friends.
2. Relatives. Why didn’t I get a wacky aunt? And why is my uncle such a jackass? And I cannot handle one more KNITTED item from my wrinkled mess of a grandmother. Can we please discuss something other than politics and what i’m studying in school- because i’ve TOLD YOU for the past FOUR YEARS?! Just pass the damn yams and leave me alone.
3. The Weather. I mean, I love to ski- I really do. But when I have to shave two, three, FOUR times because when I step out of the shower it instantly grows back, then we have a severe problem.
4. My Electric Bill. Now, don’t let #3 give you an idea of the temperature at which I keep my apartment. It’s comfortable in there, i’m not a penny pincher. But good lord, I turn the knob on the wall 1/4 inch and my bill goes up 50 dollars?!
5. The Gifts. Yeah, yeah, it used to be all fun and games. Did the Santa Shop come to your High School too? Mug for Dad, candle for Mom. Done. Since I’ve been in college I have been extremely tempted to sneak back into that shit. Cause now, if you don’t spend enough, if you don’t get what they asked of you, BAM- you’re exiled. You might as well be a third cousin once removed for the rest of the season. And the Secret Santa game that big groups love? You KNOW you get stuck with the Kaaaaren of the group- that bitch you can’t stand. Well everyone, I’m so sorry! But I had to spend all my money on moisturizers and heating my apartment! So you’ll get that homemade card made out of computer paper and crayons, and you will damn well like it!
Annoyed this season? Let it out!
thanks for the photo www.switch2planb.com
December 5th, 2008 at 5:14 am
You rock!