Obama, McCain, Obama, McCain, McCain, Obama, Oba– AHHH!! How do you choose? We are all counting down the days to the election, and many of us aren’t sure who we are going to circle on that day, if anyone at all. What makes a good president? What makes a bad one? Experience? Honesty? Dreamy blue eyes paired with a wholesome, all-American physique? We ask ourselves and our potential candidates these very questions every four years.
With the help of the internet, SNL, and various other media discourses, the nation is able to not only digest political agendas, but the deeper personal nature of each presidential hopeful. Unfortunately, it wasn’t always so. Think George Bush was bad? Think Bill Clinton couldn’t keep it in his pants?
Check out the juicy gossip on presidents of the past:
1. George Washington. (1789-1797)
I have to start it off with the Big Guy, The Godfather, the Numero Uno! Sure, he’s on the dollar bill, he crossed the Delaware, and the wooden teeth must have made it hard to get all of his fruits and veggies (How do you chew with that shit?). But was he really the FIRST? According to history, he wasn’t. The reason we don’t hear about JOHN HANSON, the REAL first President of the U.S. is due in large part to the Articles of the Confederation. Plainly stated, they didn’t work. That is where the Constitution came in, as well as Mr. Washington.
And if you don’t believe in anything else about George, believe in this:
2. Thomas Jefferson. (1801-1809)
He wrote the Declaration of Independence on HEMP & had a child with one of his slaves.
3. James Buchanan. (1857-1861)
The perpetual bachelor. His fiance committed suicide because she thought he was nothing but a gold digger! Kanye would be impressed. But it was his relationship with Franklin Pierce’s VP, William R. King, that really has us interested. They shacked up together for years, claiming they were “special friends”, which prompted Andrew Jackson to nickname the pair Miss Nancy & Aunt Fancy. General Aaron V. Brown referred to them as “Buchanan and his wife”. Was he really the first gay president of the United States?
4. Grover Cleveland. (1885-1889, 1893-1897)
At 300 lbs, he was our heaviest president to date. He was also the only president to be married in the White House. But the honeymoon stops there. He liked em’ young- his wife was 22. He was 49, and had an illegitimate child 5 years before saying ‘I do’. What’s more, he paid a poor Polish immigrant $150 to take his place in the Civil War. Draft Dodger!
5. Warren G. Harding (1921-1923)
He had an affair with Carrie Fulton Phillips over a 15 year period! And we thought one night of oral in the oval office was unstately! And what a sneak, he often pulled Nan Britton, another lover, into a CLOSET in the White House so they could “kiss in safety”. Talk about seven minutes in Harding Heaven.
6. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945)
This one is a story straight out of West Virginia. Apparently, FDR was related to Teddy Roosevelt, AND his own wife, Eleanor. They were second cousins! Not only that, but she had a thirty year affair with a woman named Lenora Hickok.
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So there are some exceptional leaders that past generations have chosen. They’ve lied, cheated, stolen, and sexed it up with slaves. Suddenly, Bill & Monica seem like saints. Suddenly, Bush deserves a pat on the back. Well, ok, I wouldn’t go that far, but many of his predecessors didn’t deserve one either.
Happy voting!
*Know more dirt about a past president? Let us know!
photo courtesy of: http://ottawa.indymedia.org/images/2004/11/6.jpg
October 15th, 2008 at 11:10 am
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