Forget Halloween. Forget the election. Something more important is almost upon us. Something cheap, yet dangerous. Something lacking any potential for legitimate human rationale. Something where decency is forgotten and primitive animal instinct reigns supreme. This something is Black Friday. Ooooo I get chills just typing the words. In one month’s time, thousands of shoppers across the country will stampede into department stores in hopes of snagging the ultimate deal. There’s even websites set up to directly promote the participating stores and their super savings. The stereotypical BF shopper is said to be the PTA-attending, pot roast-cooking, soccer mom. This bitch is ready. She’s been waiting, training, molding herself into the perfect shopper: one that didn’t even notice it was your head she just stepped on to get to that 32″ flat screen TV little Tommy wants Santa to place gently under the tree.
But we’re in college. We’re broke. We need the deals too! If you’re like me, you make sure to sleep until noon on Black Friday, if not because of the damn tryptophan in the 5 pounds of turkey you consumed the previous day, then to simply avoid the mommies. If you are one of those brave souls who march head-on into the stormy crowd, however, I salute you. So when you find yourself among the other animals in the early hours of the morning, puffing smoky air through your nostrils, shifting shoulder to shoulder with the herd so as not to lose your place in line, here are some suggestions:
Five Black Friday Survival Strategies:
- Take a pal. Two heads are better than one. So are two sets of legs that can trample your competitors. You’re a team: map out the store, it’s departments, and on three… BREAK! But mostly, take a friend who will actually notice if you are one of the weaklings who can’t seem to get out from under the hooves of the others.
- Make friends. It’s 5 AM. It’s cold as hell. Nobody is too thrilled with the situation. While you’re waiting in line, licking the glass door in desperation, be kind. Because once inside, anything can happen. Maybe your new friend will see you’re empty-handed and toss you an extra toy. But If you encounter an asshole, make sure you get to that iPhone before they do.
- Make a list. With the frenzy going on around you, its easy to follow the crowd and dive for whatever everyone else is after. But when you get home and you look at your purchases of a coffee maker, computer and expensive perfume, and realize that everyone you know drinks tea, already owns a computer, and is mainly of the male species, you’re screwed! Be calm. Write it down, and stick to it. And just incase, keep it a secret. Your “friend” in line doesn’t need any incentive to be devious.
- Pick your battles. Sure you’re going to get in a scuffle or two, it’s expected. I’d be ashamed of this nation if it wasn’t. But choose wisely. The woman reaching for the electric shaver may look innocent enough, but chances are her husband’s beard grows in every 5 hours and she will fight you to the damn death for it! Stay away from middle-aged women and even wrinkly old ladies: the two are the queens of this jungle. Foaming at the mouth and well-rehearsed in the art of Black Friday consumerism, you’re looking at some time in the ER if you provoke them.
- STAY THE HELL HOME. It’s 2008. Internet shopping IS available. So maybe you won’t save as much money online as you would have in the store. But maybe you’ll save, well, let’s see.. an arm? your eyesight (who knows if old ladies are carrying mase)?…your dignity?…your soul? Ok, ok, not that, but still, weigh all the options.
The fateful day is almost here, my friends. And there’s no stopping it. Whether you choose to scramble out of bed and join the flock, or would rather enjoy a bowl of cereal on your couch while juggling daytime tv and online shopping, Godspeed.
And if you still weren’t convinced of Black Friday’s peril, here’s proof:
Have a strategy of your own? A duck and cover maneuver? Let me know!
Photo courtesy of: http://www.mutantreviewers.com/rsniffle5.jpg
October 21st, 2008 at 11:06 am
haha hilarious